Well, I’m starting to humble myself. 

I’m starting to listen to my friends instead of telling them what they should do, and things are just….changing.  I’m not sure what to make of it, other than the fact that I’m growing into the woman that I already THOUGHT I was!! 

I just got off the phone with one of my friends and she actually taught me something about myself that no one else was really bold enough to say.  she told me that I hold grudges for an EXTRA long time and that I have this passive-aggressive personality that can really be detrimental for long term relationships.  WOW

I know I’ve ripped her a new one a couple of times, but damn!  I didn’t know I was a total biach!!  Nevertheless, it was all taken in stride and even still I feel that our relationship is making a MAJOR 180 degree turn and I’m actually humbling myself so that I can enjoy the ride and not fight it. 

Things are starting to change for my marriage as well.  My husband and I are starting to feel life after the honeymoon phase and it’s really taking some getting use to.  I’m not knocking it, but man, why did it have to happen so soon??!!  LOL

Oh and on another note, I’m working on my resume and cover letter for the job.  Consider it DONE before the deadline!!

Sometimes I really lose focus and get all tied up with my own affairs and forget that whatever’s troubling me, is really just ME!  I found a true source of inspiration (read:self medication) for my new found obsession here; and I think I’m going to try it. 

I just found a job that I want to apply for.  Without hesitation, I’m going to do it.  I’ll let you know what happens!!

With that said, you will sometimes read posts that talk about exactly what a recent post talked about, but with a different spin on it.  You may see me go around and around in circles before I ever come to a conclusion…and to be honest, you want to know what that conclusion will ultimately be???  To do nothing.  This drives me absoultely crazy!!! 

I pray for courage.

I have one friend and my husband that I vent to.  That’s waht makes them extra special in my book; the fact that they think I’m crazy, but listen anyway!!! LOL

So welcome to my crazy, crazy world!!

That image provided all the motivation I need to focus and be all the woman I want and deserve to be.  There are a couple of things I want to do, but my lack of motivation, for whatever reason, has really hindered my progress.  I have been so wrapped up in the bullshits of life and everyday living that I am slipping. 

I want to become quieter.  Enough so that I can hear God’s word in my heart.  Even if that means stealing my lunch hour back, just to sit by myself and reflect, relax and release.

I want to grow my hair out.  I was so scared after making it 3 months, that I wouldn’t be accepted.  That people would not understand my plight as a black woman.  But clearly, black people in general are being more and more understood. 

There was a reason why I went to the Chrisitran bookstore today.  I saw the most beautiful black girl with all natural hair.  Believe me yall, it’s time for us to get back to our roots.

I want to be healthier.  I’m not sure if that needs an explaination.

I want to be more patient with my family, friends and myself.

I want to forgive easier.  For the measure that I judge someone else by, I shall be judged by that same measure. PERIOD.

I have a lot of work to do, but each day shall get me closer to my goals.  I am NOT focusing on my shortfalls, because if I do, that’s all I will ever be. 

I know I am capable of being the person that God wants me to be and frankly, I’m tired of being the person that I am.

Okay, I’m going through a really crazy time in my life.  I thought I had it all together,  I was up for a promotion at my current place of employment, but with budget cuts and all it seems as if it’s getting put on hold.  Don’t get me wrong, I thank God everyday that I have somewhere to go to from 8 to 5 and bring home a paycheck every 2 weeks, but I want something different than the current status quo. 

The promotion would have allowed me to learn more and of course get paid more, but without it, I don’t know if I really want to stay where I am in terms of the department. 

I’m really close to my manager and she seemed to have a hard time telling me that I may not be able to move up.  I thought I at least desearved honesty since I am very dependable and am really the anchor of my section, but I guess when crisis occurs, people’s true character come out.

Anyway, I also got accepted into Nova’s Speech Pathology program.  I wouldn’t be able to start until January ’09, but I consider it an option.  Going back to school with a 3 year old probably will be tough, but I’m a tough woman and if it’s going to better my family and my sense of happiness, then bring it on. 

I’ve been torn for a little while about the decision to stay or go and as soon as I make up in my mind to leave, a little glimmer of hope appears to test me.  I know going back to school will be a TOTAL change of gears, but I’m at that point where it’s do or die…..

What’s a girl to do??? 

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said ’no, no, no’
Yes I’ve been black but when I come back you’ll know know know
I ain’t got the time and if my daddy thinks I’m fine
He’s tried to make me go to rehab but I won’t go go go

~Rehab, Amy Winehouse

Just about every woman I know has been to rehab at least once.  All four of my friends, my mom, aunt and cousins have all succumb to the realization that they must detox themselves and cleanse their way of thinking.  Whether they were getting in tune with themselves, tired of waiting in long lines for that ’hit’, tired of losing their hair when they waited too long between hits or tired of the withdrawal feeling they experienced when their favorite dealer was no longer available, they all had one thing in common.  They were sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I think I’m at that point.  I first fell in love with the idea of going au naturale when I saw YaYa’s hair (ANTM Cycle 3).  “I want that”, I told my friend.  “I want her hair!”  It was the first time I saw someone with a full head of thick, long natural hair that resembled mine.  Not dreaded, twisted or low cut (nothing against those styles, I swear) but I love my hair the way it is –long and thick; but I’m starting to grow weary of the creamy crack.

Sometimes I sit and play in my daughter’s hair and hope and pray that she never gets hooked.  That she grows up with a sense of self and realizes that her hair, in its natural state, is the most beautiful thing that she could ever wish for.  Or maybe I’m praying for myself.  That I won’t get to the point where her hair is ’too much for me to handle’ and relax it to make it ’easier to manage’.

I was combing my hair last night and I looked down, there she was looking up. Staring at me she said, “Mama, hair pretty”.  Instantly, I had a flash back of watching my mom blow dry her hair when I was about 8 and asking her, “How can you wash your hair and blow dry it straight and I have to get mine hot combed?  I want your hair!”  She never answered.  I think she knew where I was headed. 

Recently, I started rocking cornrows more often and loved the look and the freedom of getting it done in two hours.  Then I decided to relax, cut and color my hair.  None of it excited me like it use to.  I’m not sure if it had something to do with the 3 hour wait just to SIT in the chair, the less-than-average outcome, or the anti-climactic reaction from my husband.

My coworkers all gawk over my hair (white and black) and I can say I’m quite proud to have healthy hair, but what they see is an illusion….or is it.